Let me tell you, I thought I would be alone forever. Not negatively, but alone nevertheless. Not until I met my fiancee did I realize how high the walls in my fortress had been built. Maybe it wasn’t even when I met him that I realized it, but six months later when we got engaged. I mean, I love him. I know there are facets to him that I have not yet uncovered, facets that he himself doesn’t even realize. But unfortunately, to get to the core, parts must be cut away. And while I go through these cuts myself, I can only stand by and watch him experience his own. It’s a painful experience, and confusing to say the least, but when moments of revelation come, even in that few moments, all the pain is worth it. I just hope that he gets used to the ongoing surgery that must occur for him to become his true self, known to some as the “higher self”.
I have done years of self-analysis, read numerous books on becoming self aware. I have written pages and pages on my own personality, struggles, and revelations. So I can always look back and remember; looking back as the higher self, and know that I overcame. But how do I relate to somebody who has never done exercises like this? I know it’s not my job to fix him or lick his wounds, but standing helpless as he suffers is unacceptable. Of course I pray for him, but without actually experiencing what he is going through, I can never really know.
I suppose Jim Morrison was speaking even over his own head when he said: “When the doors of perception are cleansed, we will see the world as it truly is – infinite.” It is these doors of perception, however, that keep us locked within ourselves, isolated. True empathy is not possible, unless we can somehow master the Vulcan mind-meld, or develop the fictional Chew-Z made popular by science fiction writer Philip K. Dick. But what is this, “the two shall become one flesh”, made famous by God Himself? What does that really mean? From what I know of God’s character, He did not simply mean sex, or bearing a child that fuses two lines of genes. No, my limited number of visions on this subject reveal that there is something more behind this. An actual fusing of the physical attributes of the body. The mind is surely part of this.
Just yesterday, as we both lay on the floor chatting, I felt for a moment as if a door was being unlocked in his mind and I walked into a different room…one I had never seen before. This fusion of minds, however, did not last long, and soon our humanity caught up with us and our weaknesses broke the connection. And I’m still mourning the loss of that connection. It will return, but the agony of lacking a revelation I felt for a moment is unbearable in the meantime.
Why these short spurts of electricity, then long periods of drought? I understand that we have to develop perseverance to achieve the high calling God has put upon us, but really? It’s exhausting. To fight off evil at every turn can cause one to be tempted to give up fighting altogether. Well, I must say, that must be some high ass calling for us to be trudging through all this shit.
Praise the Lord.